About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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