I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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