he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I see more hoeing in ur future
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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