Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
