I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
