I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
