we have pet lesbian snakes
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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