Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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