i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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