Pants 0. Shit 1.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
