I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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