a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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