i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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