i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
