I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
