Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
