We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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