how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
