i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
