I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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