I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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