I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
