I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
