So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
