remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
