I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
