we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
