I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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