I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
