Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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