Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
