U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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