if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what day is it and did you see me today?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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