how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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