I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
