so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
