I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
