i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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