Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
