I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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