I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
