um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
