what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
