apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
