A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
