I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
