My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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