I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
