Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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