I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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